How to Substack (Satire)

In this post I will tell you everything you're doing wrong

Okay, this is SATIRE. But there are non-satirical posts like this everywhere on Substack and they’re all the same, so I thought I’d write one of my own.

Hope it gives you a chuckle.

Also…this post was inspired by my amazing friend Kate who is a beautiful writer, poet, and writing instructor whose Substack is called Joy Machine. I’ve been doing some of her writing prompts this week and now we have this…

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So you’ve been on Substack for a year and you say you’re already doing what they recommend for GROWTH and MONETIZATION?:

• publishing writing of good quality

• publishing consistently

• engaging with other Substackers ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE

• promoting yourself across multiple social media platforms

Yes, you’re doing all this and still your subscriber count is in the gutter? Get out of the gutter you cute little hapless idiot! I am an expert at escaping writing gutters and getting noticed without talent! Let me show you how!

In this post I will:

• Tell you exactly how to convert readers into subscribers by lunchtime

• Extend that conversion into more eyeballs before cocktails

• Grow your audience to 10x with nebulous action items

• Give you grand expectations and an inflated sense of self and your own abilities so you will heed my advice, purchase my content, and line my pockets before you line your own.

• Get you to noticed on Substack by Substack (they’re out there) so you will be one of their anointed favorites garnering you fame and money as one of the golden “Substack Chosen”.

• Get you to have money coming into your Stripe account hand over fist because you-you-YOU have something to say and it is meant to be MONETIZED.

• Tell you how to sell yourself (not that way — this is Substack, not Pornhub) because you are WORTHY.

But first I will:

• Give you a list of bullet points about My Substack and how I’m so entirely qualified to give you this advice, because…

• My Substack started from zero just five minutes ago (I jest, could it have been so long?) and now I have 12,312 daily readers in just three months. Can you believe it?

• (This is why I AM WORTHY of my authoritative voice in this article.)

• HOW? Well, you just need to get lucky. It’s quite easy actually. My Substack got a flurry of early subscribers because my ex-husban’ds new boyfriend’s college roommate’s brother-in-law gave me a mention in an article on HuffPo (where he’s a sub-editor) which was a roundup of unknown women writers reflecting on mid-life crises. So, basically the moment I hit “publish” it went crazy, and you know…luck. Luck and going viral! It’s so easy!

But first I will tell you:

• my entire life story of high-potential and over-education into underwhelming non-creative, non-writing career and even more disappointing personal relationships, compounded by anxiety, depression, and general lack of wherewithal

• how I have never written anything before but had a major life crisis/divorce/layoff/got sober and had a major freak out, did a yoga/ayahuasca retreat/a mini Eat-Pray-Love journey within the confines of my 1BR condo/sound bath therapy/chanting manifestation /multi-orgasmic somatic breathing intensive which gave me clarity and prompted me to write about the great mess I’ve just been through in order to inspire others to do the same

• how you too can get your shit together if you journal like a mad woman every morning before your breathwork time: this is your new Writing Practice!

• how my self-directed Writing Practice is a lifestyle formula which I’ve leveraged into a literary agent and a 6-figure book deal within my first 6 months on My Substack

• how adding my signature Writing Practice badge to your site will get you the coveted attention by Substack on Substack which will get you everything you’ve ever desired

Trust me…

• Just give me another 3,000 words of rambling and I will get to the meat of this post which is YOUR ridiculously meager subscriber count and how you can do better

• I will do this without judgement but with mild suggestions about how your content (which is absolutely nothing I know about) is just not compelling or basic enough for anyone to be bothered to read

• I will encourage you to learn how to write better by being a better human and just trying a bit harder. Maybe you haven’t been noticed on Substack by Substack because you’re just a shit writer with nothing of value to say. Do better. Everything awaits.

• Sign up for my Writing Practice tutorial (founding subscriber level) and we will take all of this to another level. At the end, you will receive the coveted Writing Practice badge for your very own Substack home page.

• With just a few investment dollars, zero writing talent and unexpected luck, YOU WILL conquer Substack like a pro

So here goes (and believe me, I know nothing about writing, so take my word for it!):

• Write something true and clear and boring that absolutely applies to everyone on Substack. Be basic and compelling in one.

• Be anodyne and unmemorable but entirely original and authentic.

• Throw an exciting active voice tone over your basic, empty content that will ATTRACT subscribers and get you noticed and going viral.

• Write navel-gazing nonfiction pieces about your FEELINGS and THOUGHTS about women’s rights, teas in your cupboard, millennial pink, your anxiety, your self-reflection about your anxiety, your cat, the mandala coloring book on your desk, the dating advice you gave to your friend on Friday night — any of these centered from your own particular lens on life will be a start.

• Sorry…you wanted to write fiction? What were you possibly thinking? Substack is about non-fiction. Fiction is cute but it isn’t going to make you money or get you noticed on Substack by Substack. Fiction is for individualists (see point above about being anodyne and unmemorable). Stop reading The Fountainhead. There is creativity to be found in non-fiction, I promise you. Sign up for my Writing Practice tutorial (founding subscriber level) and you will learn all about this.

• Write pithy poetry pieces about the sunlight on your Wordle screen in the morning and then expand. Move onto Connections and take the groupings as little hints from the Universe. It’s all there.

• Write about a random Pinterest collection you started when you were part of the beta-testing group in early 2010 and how it delighted you to see it again after all this time and your thoughts on who you were then and how innocent it all was.

• Write about that one former colleague who had you over to her house in 2011 where you discovered that despite her great wine and opulent cheese board, her toilet had a filthy disgusting ring below the water line, and that this runs counter to her entire new home design/lifestyle brand here on Substack. Don’t name names, of course, just hint at who you know to sound gossipy. People love gossip.

• Write about the man you loved in college who broke your heart and married the wrong woman and is now divorced but you never think about him and why did that just occur to you?

• Write about how sad and anxious you are and how no one understands your plight as a middle-aged, perimenopausal single woman living in a large city whose life has gone completely south, but you will get through it because now you have a dynamic Writing Practice and are well on your way to having your shit together.

• Write about the ultimate injustice of slogging away on Substack and not having anyone on Substack by Substack give you the golden anointing yet, because you are neither compelling, nor basic, nor simple, nor interesting, nor controversial, nor hateful, nor complex, nor witty, nor deep, nor boring enough. In fact, you’re just not enough.

• Write about how the luck and virality that has happened to everyone else on Substack has somehow missed you entirely.

But first, here are a few tips on how to put it together:

• Create content that isn’t particularly challenging with mass appeal. (Again, authentically anodyne.)

• Create something boring enough for everyone but with enough procedure and “how-tos” that people can scan it and get the gist in 30 seconds. You thought people actually READ? How cute. Create for scan, baby. In fact, the writing is secondary: just make bulleted lists of pithy shit to say. This is winning the content game, plus it saves people time.

  • Nestle bulleted lists within your bulleted lists

  • Use unexpected emojis as your bullet points to show how cute, sexy, exciting, insightful, and serious the content is that you’re laying down. ❤️💋👑🦋🦄🪶☘️⭐️🔥🍄🥇🚦🗝️🎟️💡❤️💋👑🦋🦄🪶☘️⭐️🔥🍄🥇🚦🗝️🎟️💡

• Create content that acknowledges people don’t have time to simply hang out and read your navel-gazey posts about your lifestyle and Writing Practice. Respect your reader and their capacity for having to read the same navel-gazey drivel all over Substack every day. Make yours memorable by making it quick.

• Learn to use Canva to create graphics to support your Substack pieces that are as equally basic as your Writing Practice. Think: sorority house scarpbook circa 2003; word art from Z Gallerie or Bed Bath and Beyond. You want to be encouraging and exciting but entirely cliché and inoffensive. Think: colors, catchphrases, pop bubbles, “live laugh love”, and totally obnoxious. We aren’t creating beauty here, we’re getting noticed (for better or worse). This is what those on Substack by Substack love!

• Create something actionable for everyone to line your pockets. If you don’t have a CTA that points readers toward your subscriptions you are missing an essential piece. Put it in their face…like, everywhere. Build the “subscribe” button into your template, header, footer, margins…everywhere. Put it in your welcome email for every payment tier in at least three places. Before you hit “publish”, add another one. Substack made all those buttons, it would be a shame if you didn’t over-use them.

• Create tiers of offers for paid subscribers. Start with what interests you and make people pay to hear about it. This navel-gazing doesn’t come for free. Your Writing Practice is worthy.

• Create secondary tiers that are very niche-y. Sub-interests (protein powder testing, best oat milks, favorite pilates mat workouts, Trader Joe’s product hacks, etc) are always popular. In fact, see if you can go full trad-wife at least once a week and share your “from scratch” life in full glam. Start with homemade cat treats and go from there.

• Create or rather, RE create yourself. Give yourself a long look in the mirror and find all of your faults and repackage yourself accordingly. You are your product and you need to market yourself! Okay, frankly your writing won’t be good enough to get noticed on its own, so get with it.

• Create your “get with it” practice as a subset of your Writing Practice. Sell yourself as you develop yourself!

  • Hydrating skincare, LED masks, infrared sauna blankets, manifestation, PEMF mats, best online workouts by price point

  • favorite white t-shirts, black handbags, the jeans brands everyone is already wearing — in fact, everything you get into to develop yourself should already be popular and “out there” among all the other Substack content. Don’t try for “discovery” — no one wants you to tell them what’s new and cool, they want you to reconfirm what they already know from everyone else.

  • Brands to consider for the point above: Toteme, Doen, Jenny Kane, The Row, or La Ligne. Think expensive quiet luxury. Neutrals only; never prints or patterns (unless it’s a stripe). It should be basic and boring but authentically anodyne just like you. You can afford this shit now, so re-up your investment in yourself.

• Invest in podcasting equipment, a ring light, a better studio camera. Substack is not about writing, it’s about MEDIA. Hit all of the channels in any way you can. Your skin is hydrated now, so get on camera. You need to carve out a space in your home for your writing and broadcasting. This is your new business now, so it’s a write-off.

  • The design-and-build of your new MEDIA center is great content. Do a DIY and partner with brands you like to show your subscribers HOW IT’S DONE as a single woman of limited ability and means. This is the kind of content that is utter gold. Remember: it’s not about taste and style, it’s about boring them into readership.

• You’re an on-camera, in-ear personality now. Again: be basic AND compelling; authentically anodyne. Don’t have any kind of personal style or personality unless you have an over-abundance of both, and then go with it. Being extra seems to work for some. Be sure to sound affable and fun, but don’t be snarky or too witty — it will scare people.

• Plan to invest at least $5000 - $10000 for this project. But trust me, this money will come back to you within a month! I started with nothing and you can too! Once you invest, you can start building your own team and lead them to their own success with their own at-home income streams.

• If you want that money that don’t jiggle-jiggle but folds, you need to start posting EVERYDAY. This is your lifestyle now and people can’t get enough of you. You are so WORTHY of all of this.

In conclusion…

• Your Writing Practice is your lifestyle now, so ask yourself: shouldn’t I be getting paid for it? Yes.Aren’t my life’s disasters, messiness, terrible taste (in well, everything), fuck-ups, and trauma worth something? YES. The answer is YES so MONETIZE it all. You are so worthy.

• Save this post and come back to it in a month so you can judge yourself on your accomplishments and all those you’ve failed to do.

• Take my Writing Practice workshop to get your Writing Practice badge and watch your subscriber count go through the roof!

• I’ve just given you a comprehensive guide on how-to really make it big on Substack. If you aren’t seeing an unquantifiable increase in every analytic availble in your first three months, you may need to reassess your commitment to yourself.

• Ask yourself how much you really want this life. Trust me, you want it.

Remember: Start small but go big. I believe in you.

What’s that? You just crawled out of the gutter? Look at you! I’m so proud of you.

Subscribe here for my Super Professional Guide to further elevate your Substack.